By George Pirounakis

Let’s play a new game. We’ll call it MERCH BINGO. In other words, the free education you never asked for (but desperately need)… by someone who has survived 1000+ shows and your sweaty beer breath…

You think working a merch table is easy? You think it’s just folding shirts and slinging tees while you sip a beer and flirt with fans? Wrong. It’s a psychological battlefield. And now, thanks to this handy ‘Merch Bingo’ chart, we can finally educate the masses with humor, facts, and a little rage.

Let’s break it down.

1. “IS THIS COTTON? WILL IT SHRINK?”

It’s a screen-printed shirt, Karen. Yes, it’s cotton. No, it’s not a synthetic futuristic fiber that adapts to your body heat. If you’re afraid of shrinkage, don’t wash it in boiling water. Done.

2. “FREE!” + “DISCOUNT?” + “DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FREE?”

No. This is not a soup kitchen. Merch is the only way most bands make actual money. Your 30-second “support” at the rail means nothing if you ghost the merch table. You want to support the band? Buy the damn shirt. Pay full price. Smile. Leave.

3. “CAN I PUT MY DRINK HERE?”

No. This isn’t a bar. That’s a €50 hoodie you just spilled your warm beer on. Move. Now. Before I toss your IPA into the crowd.

4. “WHAT SIZE AM I?”

I don’t know, my brother in merch hell. What size are you in literally every store you’ve ever walked into? You wear clothes, right? Right?

5. “CAN I PLUG MY PHONE IN?”

No. This is a merch table, not a youth hostel. Also, no, I don’t have Wi-Fi. And I don’t care that your battery is dying. So is my will to live.

6. “ARE YOU THE GIRLFRIEND/DAUGHTER/SON/FRIEND?”

Nope. I’m the reason the band is not still driving around in a rust bucket with leftover shirts from 2016. Sit down, Chad. And get your eyes off my chest. Buy a shirt or walk.

7. “DO YOU KNOW THE BAND? WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?”

Yes. They’re tired. They stink. And they just crushed it on stage while you were scrolling Tinder. They’re also trying to pay rent—so buy the merch and keep your questions for the VIP meet & greet you didn’t buy.

8. “WHERE’S THE BATHROOM?”

We’re not InfoPoint. Do I look like Google Maps to you?

9. “CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?”

Sure. Right after you buy a shirt. And if this is your third offer and you haven’t bought anything yet, I know you’re just trying to hit on me. Go hit the exit instead.

10. “TRAUMA DUMP/LIFE STORY”

No, I don’t want to hear how this song got you through your breakup with Jessica in 2014. I’m trying to count coins and make sure no one steals a medium. Your therapy session is not included with purchase.

11. “WHERE’S THE BACKSTAGE?”

You’re not going. I don’t care if you “know the drummer.” That drummer doesn’t even know where he is right now.

12. “DO YOU HAVE THIS IN FAT GUY SIZE?”

We do have 2XL and 3XL. But maybe try “do you have larger sizes?” instead. Don’t make it weird. You’re supporting a band, not negotiating a life raft.

13. “CAN I TRY IT ON?”

This ain’t H&M, love. If you really need to try on a €30 band tee that fits like every other band tee on earth, maybe you’re not ready to make adult decisions.

14. “CAN YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME?”

I can hold your mom’s purse and your dad’s dreams too. But I won’t. I’m not a coat check. Buy it or bounce.

15. “ARE YOU IN THE BAND?”

Nope. I’m the person that’s gonna get your order right and not roll their eyes when you say “I’ll come back later” and disappear forever. Respect the crew.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you’ve done five or more of the above, congratulations—you’ve won “Merch Bingo” and officially annoyed the entire tour crew.

Here’s how to not be “that fan”:

  • Know your size
  • Pay in full
  • Don’t put drinks or trauma on the table
  • Say thanks
  • And most importantly – respect the merch crew. They’re the first ones in, the last ones out, and the reason your favourite band isn’t starving.

Share this with every fan, every promoter, every baby band.

Let’s raise the bar together. Or at the very least… stop asking where the bathroom is.

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