By Jonny Bakes
You know, sometimes I wonder what sort of impression I give those guys at ÜRHQ… especially when an album comes in with the description “This isn’t a satanic group, but an XXX rated porno speed noise” and the first reaction is “this is exactly what Jonny Bakes should be reviewing…” But I’ve always claimed to have an open mind, so I’ll give my verdict on the resurrected entire discography of Goatvulva. Yes, all 53 minutes and 31 songs of it.
And my first reaction after listening to it? – What. The. Fuck.
And if I didn’t have a word count to meet, then I would probably just end the review there, pack up my stuff and go to bed. Instead, let me try and talk you through what I’ve endured for the last 53 minutes.
It sounds like someone at some point had recorded a passable grindcore song with the Mysterons (you know, those bad guys from Captain Scarlet) on vocals. But then that recording was played back on a stereo and recorded with a tape boombox, that tape was then played back and recorded using an old mobile phone, that recording was played back on a dodgy cheap bluetooth speaker which was then used to record the tape again with the boombox. You end up with what is almost like white noise, but a bit darker sounding – fuck it, let’s call it grey noise. This is so fuzzy and unclear at times that I found it hard to pick out if there were any instruments on some of the tracks at all!
The only parts of this album that are clear are the samples that have clearly been taken out of some dodgy ‘70s pornos. You’ve got the full range of sounds from that cheesy porno bassline to… well, the rest of the sounds you get in porn. It all combines together to form what can only be described as “an experience”. It’s almost like a controversial horror film with all of its visual effects removed so that you just end up with a mixture of sex noises and demonic growls.
So, to give a bit of background, Goatvulva was an infamous solo-project/side distraction that surfaced in underground circles in Finland in the late 80s. It was renowned for being completely serious in how unserious it was and had an aim of being “pure, puerile sonic desecration” which I can agree they damn well achieved. This is the first time that the entire collection of the spur-of-the-moment and clearly booze fueled recordings has been available for release as a complete collection as far as I’m aware. But maybe they should have just them alone?
Normally even if I don’t really “get” something, I can take a step back and have a good idea of who an album might appeal to. But on this occasion, I’m left pretty clueless! I genuinely cannot think of any bands that come anywhere close to this. This will probably appeal to those who have a morbid curiosity though, perhaps also to those who are just interested to see what has left me so completely dumbfounded! It’s available in CD, LP and cassette formats, so you could treat yourself to this music, in the loosest sense of the word, in varying degrees of audio quality… if you really want to, that is.
- ‘Goatvulva’ is out now. You can get your copy HERE.
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