Über Röck carried a review of The Runaways movie at the time of its North American release so, to tie in with the (eventual) UK release of the film (which I have to admit to enjoying), what better article could we run but a review of the unofficial comic book based on the band?

Over two decades ago Rock ‘N’ Roll Comics was launched and with that launch came a slew of lawsuits and cease and desist orders due to the unofficial nature of the comic-books. My first print Rock ‘N’ Roll Comics #1 – Guns N’ Roses, after spending twenty years bagged, boarded and lovingly taken care of, could furnish my wallet with a cool $10 if I decided to part with it in 2010 – yes, that’s how classy these books were. Now, a company called Bluewater Comics has relaunched Rock ‘N’ Roll Comics and, believe it or not, have done an even worse job.

“Famed” for their celebrity and political comic-books – basically unofficial pulp rushed out to jump on the coattails of each and every celebrity phenomenon – Bluewater actually got an article in last weekend’s Daily Mail in regard to their comic on Golden Girl Betty White who is suddenly in vogue due to her appearances on Saturday Night Live. This was, by the way, a quirky story for the Mail – no end of the world in sight. To be considered acceptable by the twee cunts at the Daily Mail is one thing, but to peddle the kind of inane paper bullshit that now rests in my twitching hands is an even graver misdemeanour.

The format for a Bluewater comic goes something like this : target a fad superstar – GaGa, Bieber, Stewart, Patterson et al – get someone to paint a half decent cover, then fill the pages with poor artwork and insulting biographies of the celebrities at hand. Typical knock-off, cash-in trash. Now they have decided to relaunch Rock ‘N’ Roll Comics in the same vein and have roped in original R’N’R Comic co-creator Jay Allen Sanford who should really know better. Then again, his abortions in word form that lie festering over the badly drawn pages of The Runaways comic that is now in my possession suggest that he is as clueless as the rest.

Originally advertised as ‘Joan Jett and The Runaways’, the comic now goes simply by the band name but with Joan Jett and Lita Ford subtitles. The cover art (reproduced here without either title) is about the usual standard of Bluewater cover – half decent. Actually, compared to what is contained inside, the cover is a masterpiece. The comic-book contains three tales of Runaway rock ‘n’ roll ; The story of the band, the Joan Jett story and the Lita Ford story. The band tale is by far the best of a bad bunch with Joe Paradise’s comic-book funnies style of art suiting the madcap tone of the piece. The Runaways backstory is skirted over, all the while featuring every member of the band brandishing a magnificently over the top set of buxom breasts – yes, even Jett. The two prime fuck ups in this tale are the continued depiction of Kim Fowley as a generic, pot smoking hippy and – and this is a classic – the appearance of Malcolm McLaren who is drawn as a fat gentleman in a suit and tie with a full-on Farrah Fawcett hairdo! He even has a name badge on his suit jacket to give us readers a clue as to who the fuck it is!

But that first story is the Golden Age compared to the shit that follows. Larry Nadolsky’s artwork looks like the pictures of pop stars drawn by teenagers that get printed in the letters page of Kerrang every week. The Joan Jett story is littered with bad art, bad storytelling and more bad mistakes – Kim Fowler? Put another quarter in the jukebox baby?! But even that lazy bollocks pales into insignificance when the Lita Ford story comes to town. Parading Ford as some kind of warrior queen prone to curiously frequent nip-slips is laughable, but the real chuckles come when the dialogue turns to Lita’s struggle to get her solo career off the ground. And I quote : “Dancin’ On The Edge is one of the best albums of that era, and unlike most mid-80’s metal, still holds up today”. Words fail me, shame they didn’t fail the idiots who put this comic-book skidmark out their for suckers like me to buy!

Just like any attempted cash-in, these unofficial comics are not worth the paper they are printed on. I’d wipe my arse with the pages if I didn’t think that some of the godawful artwork would come off and stain my cheeks. If it wasn’t for the fact that these conmen are now targeting things that us Über Röckers love, I wouldn’t give a toss. But they are and I feel it is my duty to warn people away from this trashy bullshit in comic-book form.