The Philpott Philes (Senior Citizen Not Erased): March
Written by Derek Philpott
Sunday, 06 March 2016 04:00
Which Is Witch in heavy metal music?
One of Jean’s friends from the Gala Bingo, Margaret Molland, is a keen advocate of herbal medicine and, apparently, a ‘holistic Reiki therapist’, with business cards and, she boasts to anyone who will listen, testimonials from over six satisfied clients. She got quite angry once when I suggested that this was not a real NHS recognised job and that anybody can even get Vistaprint to print that they are a Tibetan vampire hunter 250 times for a fiver plus V.A.T, even when they aren’t and lastly that testimonials from people whose backs would have got better anyway even without having hot pebbles put on them with their shirts off didn’t really count for anything.
Anyway, she had us all asking after her well-being when she turned up to ‘Eyes Down Tuesday’ last week with a bandage around her fingers, from the tea towel slipping when removing four cuts of lamb from the oven. The only saving grace to the incident was that the appliance (it’s electric) was able to be turned off before any further damage could be done.
Her vocation and dinner mishap ‘In The Heat Of The Night’, however are probably the closest approximation that I believe I have ever seen to Diamond Heads’s collective mother, who, according to them on the Kerrang station recently via their ‘seminal N.W.O.B.H.M. anthem’, was a witch who was burned alive.
Jean and I are slightly concerned, given that to the best of our knowledge the last recorded execution was in 1684 (some 297 years before their excellent recording), to hear that sorceress scalding had been revived, especially given that we are surprised not to have read about it at some point in the local free paper or seen it on The One Show.
We initially and admittedly quite irrationally surmised that perhaps Messrs. Harris, Tatler and the other ones had partaken of some kind of longevity or immortality-granting elixir as prescribed by their maternal virago and had been privy by her despatch in the 17th Century. A response however to a Facebook message to ‘Krusher Joule’ confirms that not only are any of them yet to reach pensionable age, but, contrary to the perplexing self-answered question ‘Am I Evil’ (”Yes I Am”) posed in the title of their ‘headbanger favourite’, they are in actuality ”a great bunch of lads and always first with their hands in their pockets at the aftershow”.
In conclusion, therefore, my wife and I are confused pertaining to both the mineral capitulum monickered rockers’ overly strident self-malevolency labelling and their enchantress charring witness claims.
Indeed, with regard to the former and based on the aforementioned testimonial, the crystallised carbon cranium homaging ‘outfit’ may feel entirely justified in releasing the far less justly deprecatory and entirely accurate ‘I’m Alright, I Am’.
In relation to the latter, there unfortunately is rather a pressing need to reply for the heavy rockers to send me a letter or electronic mail or ‘Call Me’ as soon as they are able. Far be it from our intention to unnecessarily hassle a harridan, or, for that matter worry a Wiccan, but Margaret is looking to drum up business for her presently home-based Practice in order that she may expand to external premises. She will be ‘Helpless’ if there has indeed been an about turn in Pagan persecution of which we were unaware. It is therefore best that we inform her of any advertising folly prior to her putting her cards in local newsagents’ windows, especially given that, owing to her admirable adherence to Yogic disciplines, her remarkable breath control could well backfire on the ducking stool.
If however the aforementioned incineration was unrelated to occultist tendencies and instead resultant of a domestic accident such as attempting to ‘Shoot Out The Lights’ rather than turning them off or generating ‘Lightning to the Nations’ in response to the soaring fuel costs of fat-cat utility companies, then, whilst frowning upon such reckless safety flouting, Diamond Head have our deepest condolences.
I am also a bit befuddled by Angel Witch and their consistent claim ”You’re an angel witch, you’re an angel witch, You’re an angel witch, you’re an angel witch.”
I am sorry, but they are mistaken. I am actually a retired printer and, frankly, one who must insist that they forthwith refrain from this constant barrage of contradictory celestial sorceress accusations.
Finally, if a repeat of penalising warlocks of the fairer sex is to be trendy once again, one wonders why we can’t be a little more leniant, and, rather than follow the endorsements of Doro Pesch, tone things down a bit as inferred in this adjusted Witchfinder General record cover. See you next month!
Next month Derek nearly gets into an altercation with Paul Di’Anno in a pub after he is overheard saying nice things about a Mr. Dickinson to his friends when all he has done is discuss watching some old repeats of Bargain Hunt.
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