The Philpott Philes (Senior Citizen Not Erased): June
Written by Derek Philpott
Sunday, 05 June 2016 03:00
Blackout on Common Sense
My son David is a keen enthusiast of grunge rock and often watches bands that play it on the youtube channel. One such ‘slacker act’ called Nirvana did appear from televised interviews to be very intelligent young men, and most certainly incapable of being virulently transmitted to another person via bodily contact. I was therefore eager to communicate to them, thus far without success, that there was no cause for them to feel stupid and contagious, given that the only event in which they could be ‘caught’, certainly by myself on account of my hips, is by the adoption of no more than a lacklustre dawdle.
I do however disagree with the Seattle trendsetters on a further point. A recent late night power cut, courtesy of a hapless workman digging into an electricity cable on our road, caused me, when trying to locate candles in our bedroom’s airing cupboard, to stand on an upturned three pin plug at the end of Jean’s hot tongs, which would have been perfectly visible to the naked eye if accompanied by artificial radiance thus saving me from considerable foot arch stabbing pains for several days. Ergo, with the lights out it is demonstratively and actually MORE dangerous. One sincerely hopes that none of these young men deign to get behind a driving wheel after sunset, I would add.
The egolessness-monickered trio are sadly not alone in their non-illuminatory misapprehensions. Taking into account that their basement has “no windows to see through”, and unless the front door has glass panelling and is adjacent to a significant source of luminescence, I find it quite perplexing that The Damned feel the need to “Wait For The Blackout”, given that perpetual darkness should naturally be their subterranean constant irrespective of external effulgence. Furthermore, with regard to the aforementioned fenestrational absence, one finds it perplexing that a reference should be made to staying there with the curtains drawn. One can only surmise that the “goth punks” are alluding to a shower curtain or are living in one of those properties off of ”Nightmare Tenants, Slum Landlords” where a room has been divided up by a flimsy partition so as to get more people in.
ABBA and Dio seem similarly afflicted. I was sadly unable to secure for the former an adult male after 12am recently, but am bamboozled as why the Brotherhood of Man-causing 4-piece should require “someone to chase the shadows away”, presumably from their apartment. This cannot be done, not as a matter of sloth, but because a shadow is an area that cannot be irradiated by a light source, owing to it being blocked by an object. It is not therefore tangible and most certainly will not retreat when approached at speed. Silhouette elimination can only be accomplished through all solid furnishings and ornaments being removed from the flat and everybody there lying on the floor, or the lights being turned off. Frankly, the sooner the Nordid quartet gimme gimme gimme an acknowledgement of this correction, the better. The latter diminutive metal legend was also mistaken. By its very nature an optical and meteorological phenomenon generated by light refraction, it is therefore impossible for a rainbow to be manifested in a non-polarised atmosphere.
At least however, all of the artists thus far ‘highlighted’ have only been guilty, “one way or another”, of inaccuracy and not activity possibly pre-emptive of criminality. I am unsure as to quite how Ms. Harry has discovered that we have just had dimmer switches fitted, but must state that if she does indeed intend to drive past my house and, if the lights are all down, see who’s around, the New Wave chanteuse would be most unwelcome. Understated fluorescence is, at least to our generation, an indication that we are in but wish our privacy to be respected, and should not under any circumstances be catalystic of “casing the joint”.
On a related note, Mr. Straker should be reminded that a walk in the park involves multiple paces rather than a singular ”step in the dark” and that most parks close at dusk, hence in order to gain access I am assuming that he has scaled a perimeter fence and has therefore trespassed. Mr. Straker’s subsequent “trip in the dark” therefore elicits little sympathy.
Whilst U.F.O., on the other hand, are to be commended for publicising energy efficiency in the capital, lights out, lights out in London should NOT be “held tight ‘til the end”, as excessive grippage may well result in said demise involving scalding and shattered glass..
Lastly I am perplexed by the misleading trading name of ‘The Electric Light Orchestra’, especially given that its bombastic ‘pop songs’ clearly emit from conventional musical instruments. Indeed, were such an illuminatory bulb ensemble to exist, the only sounds that could be hoped for at best are likely to be a barely audible low buzz or hum.
Actually I forgot ‘E.L.P’, whose pitch plasma opus, “Black Sun” …OKAY DEL, WE GET IT
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