The Philpott Philes (Senior Citizen Not Erased): July
Written by Derek Philpott
Sunday, 10 July 2016 03:30
Gunning For Clarity
We are quite ‘into’ old costume dramas at the moment and notice that, in quite a few, disputes are rather over-exaggeratedly settled by the two men taking ten paces with their backs to one another after a man in the middle has dropped a wet wipe. Then, usually the one not with the shortest legs kills the other with an antique sawn-off shotgun. As gruesome as the practice was, at least there was some decorum involved, and we were quite heartened to see such chivalry bought into the present day by The Damned. One of my friends from the pub has suggested that it is to load them from the left and spray the room from the right, taking care to always gather up the spent cartridges at the end to avoid littering, and maybe spray some air freshener around the room afterwards to cover up the cordite smell. Whatever the protocol, we are pleased that Machine Gun Etiquette does exist in some unspecific form or other.
The Alarm, on the other hand, do not seem to be ‘armed’ with any artillery acumen whatsoever. Although one agrees that ”68 guns will never die”, this failure to become deceased is only on the basis that they were never previously conscious. Furthermore, although by no means an expert of military strategy, I am a long-term follower of Sharpe on Yesterday, and think that he would agree with me that ”68 Guns” is a rather inadvisable battle-cry, revealing as it does, the full extent of one’s armoury to an oncoming foe, thus eliminating the need for espionage resourcing on the part of said adversaries and denying The Alarm he elements of surprise and doubt crucial to victory. Regardless of the inauthenticity of such a revised combat yelp, I feel that ”Definitely Much More Than 68 Guns and A Camouflaged Rocket Launcher, About 20 AK-47s That You Can’t Quite See, A Great Big Anti-Aircraft Cannon Just Out Of Your Line Of Vision and Lots Of Other Really Massive Stuff We’ve Hidden Honestly And We Wouldn’t Think Any Less Of You If You Just Want To Retreat Or Surrender To Be Truthful”, although admittedly slightly less catchy, may result in a skirmish triumph without any pistols and/or rifles even being discharged.
Given that I fail to see how fully automatic weaponry may be ascribed to esoteric paranormal agencies or be equated to a snow gale ensconced soothsayer, Brit Pop Bollywood fusion specialists Kula Shaker, who in one of their ”psychedelic anthems” claim that I am ”a wizard in a blizzard, a mystical machine gun” (I am actually a retired printer) seem to be similarly unenlightened.
By far the most severe offender however, aside from Mr. Idol who appears to be convinced that a younger female sibling is a smoothbore, is Mr. Dylan, as evidenced by his insistence that his mother put his guns in the ground because he can’t shoot them anymore.
Although I am all for ‘women’s lib’, the lozenge-needing troubadour should consider that the proposed hefty weapon burial is more suited to a burly gentleman (such as, perhaps one of his ‘road crew’), as opposed to an excavating parent of the fairer sex.
Secondly, I have ‘grave’ concerns with regard to the longer term implications of such an armament inhumation. Assuming that Mr. Dylan is the legal owner or tenant of the property in whose grounds the embedding is to occur, it is not unfeasible to postulate that he may at some point in the future choose to sell or vacate it, whereupon any succeeding occupier(s), or, heaven forbid, a minor or domestic pet belonging to same, may well incur either serious injury or worse in the act of a future, probably accidental, unearthing of the deadly stash. Potentially more disquieting still, the spying of said rifles and/or pistols by inquisitive neighbours could lead to serious and entirely undeserved legal ramifications for and perhaps a tentative murder enquiry into the hapless new inhabitants. If however the underground arsenal is situated within a tract other than his own and he has not been granted express permission from its proprietor to locate it there then I make no apologies for stating that the nasal-toned bard should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.
Lastly, it must be noted that archaeological digs of the area in centuries to come could result in Tony ‘Time Team’ Robinson’s descendants arriving at grossly inaccurate chronological conclusions with regard to the historical advancement of military technology around the turn of the third millennium, thus vastly distorting our future generation’s perception of the present day.
As an aside, I am curious as to why the drawling protester should feel himself to be inadept in the discharge of, to use a parlance of the rap singers of today, ‘a piece’. Listed below are plausible hypotheses complimented by practical solutions as a more constructive and less messy alternative to planting:-
a) A Matter of Conscience
Should the convaluted wordsmith’s inability stem from a matter of conscience then he is to be commended.
b) Faulty or Broken Weapons
In the first instance a telephone or email enquiry to a reputable gunsmith detailing the weapons’ shortcomings should be instigated. Should the trader’s response indicate that said impairments, such as for example a defective firing mechanism or faulty trigger action, can be easily repaired, I would recommend that the mumbling prose performer take the flawed firearms in person to his outlet in order that they may be restored to full working order. (Under no circumstances should the postal system be employed in their transit.) Should scenario ‘a’ apply, or the hardware be unfixable, its decommissioning and mounting above a fireplace or in a hallway above the telephone table where it may serve as a decorative ornament and excellent anecdote source at dinner parties should not be disregarded.
c) Visual Difficulties Whilst Aiming
It is apparent from the ‘song lyrics’ that Mr. Dylan is attempting to focus upon targets within environs of restricted visibility. If it is indeed “getting dark, too dark to see” as he takes aim, I would suggest that the — OK DEL, THANK YOU
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