The Philpott Philes (Senior Citizen Not Erased): February
Written by Derek Philpott
Sunday, 07 February 2016 03:00
A Very Strange Day Out
What a strange pop star-related day we’ve had today.
It started this morning, obviously, when, after much coaxing from my good lady over the past few weeks, I finally got round to clearing the loft. After listening to Ken Bruce I did so with some trepidation. Thankfully however I did not happen upon Adrian Gurvitz squatting, in both senses of the word, beneath the rafters, absorbed in toiling upon a seminal work, as I had dreaded. His absence from my roof space filled me with no little joy, as I fear that such an encounter may have proved confrontational.
We decided to celebrate the upper storey decluttering by way of a brisk walk into town for a scrumptious scampi meal at Cafe Rouge. On the way, Jean and I happened upon what appeared from a distance to be Mr. Tull in a turf accountants’ doorway, singing and playing his flute whilst adopting his trademark flamingo-Catweasle stance. Feeling in a jocular mood, I was fully prepared to ask the ‘eccentric folk-rocker’ to validate how he could be ‘Living In The Past’ as proclaimed, and yet be semi-standing as clear as day in my midst, in the front alcove of a Coral’s. I was primed to add that should it transpire that he WAS from the future and my present was his history, I would be most grateful to be furnished with this Saturday’s winning Lotto Roll Over numbers.
On closer inspection however my would-be quizee metamorphisised into a homeless person waving a piece of rubber piping above his head, clumsily balanced on one leg so as to keep his sock and sole-less Dr. Martened left foot out of a substantial puddle, and shouting repeatedly that he’d ‘take the lot of us, so help him God, he would’ and yelling ‘giddy up’ to a cantering horse-depicting side panel.
Indeed, as further emphasis, Jean commented that it couldn’t be Mr. Tull, as, if his recent Thick As A Brick 2 concerts were anything to go by, he would be saying hardly anything at all and there would be a significantly younger homeless person walking around him doing most of the talking.
After lunch we were aghast to witness someone with a remarkable resemblance to Kelly Jones from The Stereophonics at the Vodaphone outlet causing a horrendous queue as he insisted on the sales assistant detailing every tariff and mobile phone in their range, only to state at the end ‘I’m Just Looking, I’m Not Buying’. If there are indeed things the Welsh Rocker wants and things he thinks he wants, may I suggest that future enquiries be conducted ‘online’?
On the way home through the park we were dismayed to be almost ‘cut up’ by a man who looked a lot like Angie Watts from Eastenders, in a frock coat. In my younger days before my sciatica problems I too was a keen cyclist however, unlike this herbert I would never ride my bicycle ‘where I like’. Roads and designated paths and lanes exist so as to avoid potential hazards to pedestrians. Similarly, Jean noted whilst noticing an abundance of discarded crisp and chocolate bar wrappers that she took umbrage with Bow Wow Wow going wild in the country where snakes in the grass are absolutely free on the basis that the non-incarceration of elongated reptiles is scant excuse to drop litter and sully one’s rural environment.
Lastly, just before we retired, I looked out of the window to find someone who I took to be Car Engine Cover Monickered ex-Rainbow “frontman” Graham Bonnet scrutinising a poison letter, a telegram by a back street light. I was just about to go out and advise against this on the basis that:
a) the scanning of toxic missives in such inadequate illumination could result in eyestrain or headaches, and;
b) should the offensive ink enter a small cut or graze in the hand holding it, he may be severely endangered
….but he went.
Next month; Derek tries to book a Rocky Shades tribute act for a friend’s birthday, only to find that the actual one is cheaper but can’t change his shift at the Post Office.
Buy Dear Mr. Kershaw: A Pensioner Writes from: http://www.planegroovy.com/philpott.html
Follow Derek’s every move and letter at: https://www.facebook.com/ThePhilpotts/
To pick up your copy of ‘Dear Mr. Kershaw: A Pensioner Writes’ on Amazon – CLICK HERE
